Heehaaw...Great Balls On Fire !

~Rated PG-18~
With due credit to Maverick and Goose's punch line from the movie Top-Gun (Great Balls Of Fire), I'd like to aver that the condition of my balls is not so swell.
There are two reasons that are leading to the de(re)generation of the same. Don't get what de(re)generation means? Read on buddy ...

1. First the real real bad news. Read this article in TOI. Front page news. Some goddamned research has shown that keeping the cell phone in the front pocket of the trouser reduces the sperm count by 30%. That's Hee-haw news. I have been keeping my cell right there for the past 2 years. So the bloody thing would have zapped off millions of mini-me's without me knowing it. My precious (as I have stated in previous blogs) cell phone has been "killing me softly with his song, frying my balls for so long". Had I been in US I would have sued the bastards and got a ball replacement surgery done. Oh hell, can't do that, the thought itself is ... YUCK. Neeway, I have repositioned the killer gadget to my front shirt pocket. I will happily die of an heart attack, but I will not die infertile/impotent dammit.

2. Tada~ the good news. Lots of work has finally landed in my hands, something for which I was fervently praying. Now that I am fully engrossed in the same, I am happily working my balls off! It diverts my mind from the trauma I elaborated upon earlier like a tranquilizer. If I continue with this frantic pace then my nuts are gonna fry! This metaphysical physiotherapeutic exercise might reverse the damage done to my balls. I don't mind that really, with the heat on, probably I'll end up with balls of steel. 

Mollycoddled Beelzebubs

I hate it when kids come visiting at our place and fiddle with everything and anything they can lay their hands on. Yesterday this pugnacious Lucifer incarnate came home accompanied by his lousy parents. Went straight for my precious mobile (seriously its a costly set!) and started twiddling with its delicate buttons, navigated to games section and starting punching the buttons with the alacrity of a boxing champ at his punch bag. All the while the parents were giving out the most nonchalant, insouciant reprimands, "Beta don't fiddle with bhaiyya's phone", "Don't drop the cellphone" etc. at the rate of one instruction per 15 mins. And to add injury to insult this kid had the audacity to fill his pockets with Swiss Chocs (gift from a friend back from a trip to France) which my Dad innocently offered. The parents obviously turned a blind eye to their kids excesses. I am sure they secretly approved of the kid's vile behavior. For the entire 1 hour they were there munching at our biscuits and chips, I had my heart in my mouth.

I remember my parents glaring at me if I even touched something that was not supposed to be disturbed at a guests place. Even the act of taking one extra biscuit required a coded nod of approval from Mom. And in case I ever broke the golden rule of discipline, I was sure to learn my lesson once we reached home. The concept of right and wrong and the eternal fire of hell has been so thoroughly indoctrinated in me that even today my conscience pricks me if I do something that I feel is wrong. I guess that's the reason why I am such a big loser.

Kids like the one I mentioned above grow to be the brash but suave self centered adults without scruples. And they are the ones who rule the roost. They are the bosses who call the shots. They are the politicians and the bureaucrats. They are the policemen and the dons. Others are just citizens, common man as portrayed by R.K. Laxman.

The meek shall NEVER inherit the earth. Its total socialist bullshit.

This is how our tax system works!

You've heard the cry in the past "It's just a tax cut for the rich!", and it is accepted as fact. But what does that really mean? The following explanation may help.


Suppose that every day, 10 men go out for dinner. The bill for all 10 comes to $100. They decided to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes, and it went like this:



* The first four men (the poorest) paid nothing.
* The fifth paid $1.
* The sixth $3.
* The seventh $7.
* The eighth $12.
* The ninth $18.
* The tenth man (the richest) paid $59.

All 10 were quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner said:
"Since you are all such good customers, I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." So now dinner for the 10 only cost $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. The first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But how should the other six, the paying customers, divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share"?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth and sixth men would each end up being paid to eat.

The restaurateur suggested reducing each man's bill by roughly the same percentage, thus:
* The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
* The sixth paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
* The seventh paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
* The eighth paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
* The ninth paid $14 instead of £18 (22% saving).
* The tenth paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off, and the first four continued to eat for free, but outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings."I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man "but he got $10!"

"That's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!""That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor! "The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner. The nine sat down and ate without him, but when they came to pay the bill, they discovered that they didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of it.

That, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore.

-Anon

Dedicated to Man's best friend !

Yes the picture you see is of a blind doggy. Unbelievable right? I couldn't too because this four legged guy goes around pretty much by the sense of smell and hearing. Around the house he knows his way and doesn't crash into things that gets in his way. A few days back something happened to this guy that was really heart wrenching. He strolled of to the fields nearby and apparently started chasing a crow given its hoarse cat-(crow)-calls. Went a little out of the way and couldn't find the way back home. A kind neighbor spotted him wandering around and brought him back. When he realized that he was back in his known surroundings he jumped around and lapped up all of us in sheer joy, unmindful of the fact that his moist snoot had gone bloody and muddy in search of the way back home. 

Homecoming

Went yesterday to my cousin's daughter's birthday. She's grown to her 6th year milestone this year. All the while I was there, she was gushing with the minute details of her month long vacation at our hometown. While driving back home I could not help but go through the memories of my visits there.

Its 8 years now since my last visit. Earlier we used to go religiously every year. It was one of the few things I looked forward to along with the summer vacations. The spirit of adventure at that time could not have been any better in any other place for my age. Going to our hometown was like going back into time. Playing in the muddy slush of the paddy fields, bathing by a small stream, catching a few fishes with obscene contraptions (obscene because I used to be naked, while using the towel to filter out the fishes from the water!). They had all kinds of domesticated animals in the houses we went visiting. Cows, dogs, hens, duck and cats to name a few. And if I was lucky to lay my hands on the young ones of these, I would spend the entire day carrying them around. A few chicks actually died due to my rough handling (grandpop told me later that chick's body temperatures are less than humans, so u should not hold them long). Got bit by a dog, mauled by a cat and kicked by a calf. Climbed all kind of trees. In short, did all the wildest things within the 1 wonder month.

Then I joined engineering college and after that the visits came to an abrupt end. While I was at college grandpop and grandmom expired, so by the time I passed out there was nothing to go back to. Getting a long leave in a s/w firm is a tough ask, also used up the few leaves we get for local adventure. I know I have been a lousy pig.
Yesterday however I felt a strong urge to revisit my ancestral house. Old memories have started haunting me, my roots are calling me again, and By God I will go back once more. If not this year then definitely next year.

Calvin and I

Went through this Calvin&Hobbes strip recently. Gave me a few pointers towards writing a blog. Here's how Calvin would write a blog. I would follow suit soon I guess.


Calvin writing a personal journal:
"Call me Calvin"

Thinks hard, decides that he wants more impact. Adds new entry:
"Actually make that Calvin, boy genius, hope of Mankind .."

Addendum to last entry:
"....or Doctor Destiny for short"

Adds footnote:
"Thats Doctor Destiny, SIR to you"

Thinks aloud:
"My journals off to a good start"
 

Long distances in a small world

They say the world is getting smaller. I beg to differ. Here's the story that shaped my opinion:

We have two smart asses in our office, I call them WiseGuy and SmartChap. Now SmartChap and WiseGuy share their office cubicle. Without elaborating on the structural design of the pigeon holes we call cubicles in s/w firms, let me assure you that they sit so close together that its difficult to say from a distance (of say 10 mtrs) that they are two individuals. I'd rather not comment on the relationship they share, coz I really don't know. Coming back to the story, it so happened yesterday that WiseGuy needed a particular s/w file for his work. Off he shoots an e-mail to his colleagues working on the other side of the globe. They in turn zealously forward the message to all sites worldwide. The Olympic torch relay going around the world shrinks in comparison to the mammoth efforts put to use here. Now SmartChap receives this mail and sends back the required file to whosever's mail that hit his mailbox. This file then meanders its way, through all the agents and sub agents in between to the originator i.e. WiseGuy. Deed done, happy days are back again !!The irony in the entire episode is that WiseGuy still has no clue that SmartChap sitting right next to him was instrumental in calling off a WWW search for the elusive file that way residing in a dingy corner of SmartChap's disk. End of the story ....

Afterthought:Some learned men are of the opinion that the universe is expanding. Cheers to them ! 

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Yesterday a friend who I had long forgotten called. NG was never in my close circle of friends. He joined our school in the 11th standard, whereas we had a close knit circle way back from the 4th standard. Try as he might, he could never gate crash into our group. We never allowed him to either. Made fun of him, played a few pranks and generally forgot him after we passed out. NG is maried now, he did invite us to his wedding, but none of us were interested to drop in.
Was I right in my attitude to him for all these years or should I consider myself to be an egotist? Almost all of us conveniently ignore people we dont associate with, thats the way nature made us I guess .....

Passing time and thought ...

I am back again. Though my company's IT policy gives me the jeepers, I am getting so bored out here that I need to vent my frustration writting something. What did I do today? For starters I attended a boring meeting that discussed the progress of our project.


Progress: Oh well it all about moving the ball from your court to the opponents field. At the end of the day you should never leave the ball in your court, which means do whatever or nothing but dont give management a chance to throw muck at you that STICKS !After that I have been reading other people's blogs, surfing the net, yaawwwn.....and off course writting it all down right here.I am amazed by the tenacity of this MNC I am working for. People can spend time doing nothing for 6 months and yet never pulled up. Jeez govt jobs might offer more, at least you can sleep under a tree after lunch.
Someday I might look back at this particular entry and say to myself ... those were the days when I was free, wish those days were back! Looking forward to such delusions :-)
Note to myself: Find another job. 

Loser ...

Yet he was a loser. He lost every battle he fought. But with every defeat he scaled his stakes up even higher. He seems to have lived his life fueled by some strange fiery optimism, failing every time on a grander scale than before, every defeat but an incitement to a higher and more subversive dream. Maybe that’s why we obsess about him. He never reached, but he never turned back either. He is the embodiment of our suspicion that the dice are loaded, that the gods cheat. And each one of us has sensed them cheating.

 

-Anon

Blogmail

Testing to see if blogging works by email !

School and the days gone by..

The very mention of school brings back memories that refuse to just fade away. A few days back I got this mail from my school, asking for some written contribution for their memorial magazine. The mail brought with it such vivid memories, so many for that matter, that they were kind of jostling around my head; bobbing up here and there so that I could give each one patient thougt. Every once in a while incidents like these make you enter those long forgotten rooms with treasures unaudited. You sit there for a while, clean up those cobwebs, dust away the layers of accumulated years and finally with a heavy heart lock up and leave.
Here's my article that I'll be sending:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To respond or not, I have been facing this dilemma since I got this e-mail from my school. I have read and re-read the e-mail umpteen time, tried to shy away, but I cannot help myself but write this article. The very mention of XYZ School evokes a myriad tapestry of memories, right from my pre-nursery to the 12th standard. I cannot but stop myself from expressing my thanks to my Alma Mater, be it a token contribution in the written form. My school has been the foundation of my character and my individuality. The unique relationship we shared with our teachers and Principal is exemplary and believe me; I haven’t come across any other school that parallels it. For instance which school student would have the honor of having a Nursery class teacher (Mrs. ABC) remembering you even after you pass out of school? There are so many incidents worth mentioning that I just cannot pick up one to write about. I even cherish the very last memory I have of the final day at school. It was of our farewell party, indeed a nostalgic moment. On one hand we were flying out into the real world armed with the values instilled in us, on the other hand we were a little apprehensive to leaving the cocoon of comfort and camaraderie. I still remember Fr Principal taking us all for a long drive in his Omni, the last ride we all as a group together late at night, midnight to be more precise, after the farewell party. A subtle gesture I guess from Father that we were young strapping adults, no more bound by the rules of the school anymore. Indeed the farewell moistened the eyes of many a classmates of the fairer gender, and a few guys whose name I leave out for reasons of anonymity!My school has shaped me as an individual and instilled such values as honesty, loyalty and humility. These values have helped me time and again in my professional career. I take on the world with the confidence that was nurtured in my school. The friends I have made are still in touch to this day and yes, we do meet regularly! I would like to convey my heartfelt thanks to all the teachers and Fathers for the wonderful years they gave us. Thank you XYZ School!

CyberMenace
Science Batch of ‘96

Forelorn but ...

Ha, I can bombast from my office. Today is my lucky day. Hope the network administrator doesnt block access to my musings. Got to keep a low profile, too much of net traffic directed to this blog might alert him. Hmmm, a fleeting thought, by the way i havent checked out if I can really post n publish from my office. Lets check that out .... pressing the POST button.....

My first post !

I want to name this blog "Memoirs of a Natural Born Loser". I shy away from it just because it will just depress me further. Why did I want to do that? Here goes:
1. I tried to create a blogger login from my office, no success. Guess what you can blog around if you already have an blogger ID. People access all sites with wanton abandon. But just because I want to create a new account the "registration" site is blocked by the dumb witted IT deptt.
2. So here I am writting this blog from the cramped up confines of a cyber cafe.
3. This is the third time I am writting this because the net just got disconnected 2 times in a row. It has never happened before they say, but I know better. I guess its because I am around.

I want to write more but I guess before the thunder hits this system I should post n publish this part ASAP. Hope I can continue blogging from my office tomorrow or this is gonna be yet another failed venture.

PS: hmmm...nothing..